HOPE (in distance): Num-num!
(Hope bawling in distance)
We found some extra Halloween boxes.
And by the way, your kid is still screaming for her num-num.
HOPE: Num-num! - Seriously, Jimmy,
either she gets her pacifier or I get a sedative.
One of us is gonna be addicted thinsome-you choose.
The book said to try and go cold-turkey
if nothing else works, and nothing else has worked.
See? Doesn't Daddy look silly
with...
(quiet squeaky groaning)
(quiet, squeaky groaning continues)
I think we should look at the pros and cons
of not giving Hope her num-num.
Pro: she's learning to take care of herself.
Con: She'll start sucking her thumb, mess up her teeth,
end up going to Winter Formal with her gay best friend
because nobody asked the girl
with massive braces and headgear.
I'll get her the pacifier.
HOPE (in distance): Num-num!
Speaking of pros and cons,
what if I dress as a pro
and you can go... as a con.
Yeah, and you could hit me with this old rubber nightstick.
Wait a minute.
These aren't costumes.
(gasps) This is Maw Maw and Paw Paw's old sex box!
(grunts)
Ugh!
(grunts)
(Burt continues grunting)
(shudders) (yelps)
♪
♪ Whoo!
♪ Here we go
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
== sync, corrected by Martzy == www.Addic7ed.Com
Hey, I found a couple "C" batteries in Maw Maw's sex box.
We can finally play electronic Battleship.
And you made mice-mallows?
I don't care what those guys running for president say,
this is the best country in the world.
Sorry, Burt, I can't play Battleship with you.
It's Bunko night.
But last Thursday was Bunko night.
Every Thursday's Bunko night.
Every Thursday? Forever?
You'll be okay.
Here. Have a mice-mallow.
- Feel better? (muffled) - A little bit.
(sighs)
E-5.
(beep)
COMPUTER VOICE: Miss.
Oh.
(exhales)
(crashing)
(groans softly)
Geez.
B-4.
Do you know anything about gay people?
I think sometimes they like to wear handkerchiefs.
Okay. I can work with that.
Do you need to...
buy a handkerchief?
- What? No. - 'Cause it'd be cool if you did.
No, Sabrina has this gay friend, Jordan,
and every time he and his boyfriend come to town,
I end up looking like an idiot.
(laughter)
It's like our drama teacher from eighth grade, remember?
Mr. K... he was always talking about his mystery wife.
JORDAN: We called her Mrs. Beard.
Well, guess where I ran into him.
It starts with "Fire" and it ends with "Island."
Oh, you're so bad!
Oh, James looks lost.
(voice squeaks): No. I...
Your teacher's wife had some unfortunate facial hair,
and then he ended up on a burning island.
(smacks lips)
Uh, no, we just had a...
teacher who's obviously gay who refused to come out.
Oh, I get it. Yeah, it's stupid
when a gay guy tries to act like a normal person.
(whispers): Jimmy.
I did it again?
- That's offensive? - You didn't know that, either?
How am I supposed to know that? I don't know any gay people.
When I'd watch Will & Grace, I'd fall asleep.
Till that lady with the squeaky voice came on.
Is it weird that we don't really know any gay people?
We clean pools and cut lawns.
There's not a lot of gay guys in that profession.
It's not like we've been avoiding them.
I guess that's true.
But it doesn't help me not look like an idiot.
And they're staying with her again this week.
You know what you should do? You should go to a gay bar.
- Wait. What? - You need
to find out what's okay to say and not to say,
and what all these words mean.
It's like how I used
to have nothing to say to Cockney Carl
while he was repairing my mower.
Then I learned some Cockney rhyming slang.
(Cockney accent): Na we can rabbit and pork aw the nickel and dime.
Yeah, would you come with me?
I have always wanted to know what goes on in those places.
Who buys the drinks?
Do they have a women's bathroom,
or just twice as many urinals?
If you say to the bartender, "I'm in the mood for some nuts,"
what do you get?
When you think about it, I'm super gay-curious.
Aw, but I'm right in the middle of a game.
- Against yourself? - I'm very evenly matched. I'm guaranteed to win.
I'm the perfect opponent.
You're also guaranteed to lose.
True. I hate losing.
Okay.
I offer myself a draw.
Draw accepted.
Let's go.
(dance music playing)
- Huh. - What?
I don't know.
I assumed there'd be more...
hot pants.
Burt?
Steve!
Guy!
What are the odds that two other straight...
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me my wholesale flower vendors are gay?
Guilty.
What are you doing here? Are you...
No, my son's nervous to meet someone,
so I just thought I'd offer support.
Oh, he's your son.
We were saying you could do a lot better.
(laughs)
Let us buy you a drink.
Okay.
Bye, Jimmy. Good luck.
Here I thought the most interesting thing
about you was you were a guy named Guy.
Ooh, I've got oodles of secrets.
And I've got oodles of time.
I think.
"Oodles" is a gay form of measurement, right?
JIMMY: While Dad was getting to meet some old friends,
I was getting to meet some new ones.
That's amazing.
So, "glory hole" has nothing to do with a donut.
Oh, I get it.
Is it true you guys wax the fellas?
I have a lot of dreams about dolphins.
Does that mean anything?
So, if you bite me,
there's absolutely no chance I'll turn gay?
Oh, maybe I did just make that up in my head.
Oh, I get it!
A bear's a guy.
Ah, that makes way more sense.
Well, you know, it's not nearly as impressive.
Well, of course, I mean,
who wouldn't want a shower made out of gold?
Where were you?
It's so late.
I was at a gay bar with Jimmy.
I was having so much fun, I just lost track of time.
(sighs)
You were where?
It was amazing, Virginia.
It changed my life.
Changed my life!
Changed your life how?
It was fabulous.
I could order those fruity drinks I love
without feeling judged by some breeder.
Breeder?
That's me and you because we make babies.
Oh.
I'm telling you, this place was incredible.
Get this: I fast-danced.
You fast-danced?
In public?
You hate fast-dancing in public.
That's because there's always women around that I know
are making fun of the way my shoulders go up and down.
But at The Polka Dot, there's no women.
You look like you're trying to shake a lizard off your back.
That's just what a woman would say.
But at The Polka Dot,
they just make a circle around you and clap.
I can't wait till next Thursday.
So, while I'm at Bunko, your Thursday night thing's
going to be hanging out at a gay bar?
Is it too weird?
It's weird, isn't it?
No.
I have my thing with the ladies.
I guess you should get to have your thing with the boys.
Thanks.
And don't worry: I'll always be the same guy you married.
(sighs)
Do you think it be weird if I shaved my chest?
Some of the other guys are doing it.
Give it a try.
Okay, two words.
Freddy Mercury.
You got it, Jimmy.
I'm turning in my gay card.
'Cause Freddy Mercury is gay. Yeah, I-I got that.
Even though he never came out publicly,
after his death, he became a gay icon.
I'm sure he and Rock Hudson are laughing about it
over Cosmopolitans in gay heaven right now.
Rumor has it
it's somewhere above Palm Springs.
Am I right, fellas?
Oh, ho, ho.
Well, as much as we love charades,
there's another reason why we came to visit.
Remember how in high school you were so generous
and let borrow your leggings when I went through
my Elizabeth Berkley Showgirls phase?
Oh, my God, I still think
you would have been better in that movie than she was.
Oh, I agree.
Thank you.
But now we want to borrow something
even more important of yours:
an egg and your uterus.
- What? - What?
We want to have a family, but we're both sterile.
If you ever spend time in Africa,
do not wear glow-in-the-dark G-strings
that you bought on the street.
They don't have an FDA there. Uh...
Anyway, Elijah's brother said he would donate
and I figured you're like a sister to me, so...
Friends. Acquaintances, really.
Yes.
Of course I will, yes.
- Oh, my God, really? - Yes.
I love you.
(all screaming in joy)
So, you agreed to rent out your fiance's uterus?
I wouldn't call it "renting."
They're not paying us.
So, you agreed to let someone freeload on her uterus' couch?
That's even worse.
Well, I didn't agree to anything.
I just lost the argument.
(clears throat)
I just thought we would have discussed it
before you agreed to have another man's baby.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Yeah, I mean, we're engaged.
We should talk about these things.
Let's just discuss this in a reasonable manner.
Here are my pros:
Jordan and Elijah would make great fathers.
Hope would have a cousin.
For nine months I'd have huge boobs.
Let's hear the cons.
All right, uh, here we go.
Number one,
when I think about you doing it, it makes my tummy hurt...
And now, I'm realizing I shouldn't have numbered these
because that's it.
Okay.
Looks like I'm having their baby.
Your problem is you're trying to win an argument with words.
We're not word people, Jimmy.
We're more... uh...
th...
Listen,
within our family,
we can debate each other
because none of us is that great with words.
It's a fair fight.
But out there in the world,
there are people who can use words as weapons.
They're crafty.
That's close, but not quite right.
You'll never win an argument with Sabrina
unless you learn how to be...
Trickerish.
I like it.
Trickerish.
You need to learn how to be more trickerish.
- Trickerisher. - Trickerisher.
But I already said that she could have the baby.
But what if Jordan and Elijah
change their minds?
That is very offensive, Virginia.
They were born this way.
Not about being gay. We need to
get them to change their minds about wanting a baby.
That is the definition of trickerish.
JIMMY: So we came up with a plan to make Jordan
and Elijah realize they'd be giving up their fabulous life
if they had a baby.
And the best day to do that on was Gay Christmas.
Or Halloween as we call it.
Step 1 was dressing Hope up
as something Jordan and Elijah couldn't resist.
And step 2 was making sure
that Sabrina was out of the way.
James.
Didn't you see
the costume sign-up sheet?
I already called "Buying-in-Bulk Hulk."
Oh. You better just go home
because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
(growls)
I'll call somebody else in.
Hey, you know, Sabrina's available.
Step 3:... (doorbell rings)
(growls): Trick or treat.
set the bait. Oh...
Jimmy, she's so cute.
(phone rings) Ooh.
Hello. What?
A fire at the orphanage?
JIMMY: I'm on my way.
Hey, guys, can you help me out?
I'm a volunteer fireman, and I don't have time to drop...
Just go, go, go. We got her.
Bring back some calendars.
JIMMY: Step 4:
Pull the pin and wait for the explosion.
(Hope crying)
You're dressing as a mailman?
I'm one of the Village People.
There's no mailman in the Village People.
I know there isn't. I was gonna say...
I added a mailman to the Village People
'cause I deliver the biggest package.
Is that weird for a straight guy
to say to another guy in a gay bar?
No, I think we're still on the good side of weird here.
So for Bunko night,
you dressed up as...
a lady with a spaghetti stain on her pants?
No, they called off Bunko 'cause it's Halloween.
Oh. Oh, I didn't know...
Well, maybe I shouldn't...
go.
No, you should go.
What if the Indian needs to send an urgent letter
to the construction guy?
I'll just give candy to the kids. You know I love that.
Cool. I'd bring you with me,
but all the other married guys' wives
don't even know they're there.
Have fun.
GIRL: Trick or treat.
Just take the whole thing.
I'm going to bed.
HOPE: Num-num! Num-num!
JORDAN: Honey, stop.
(both talking over each other) HOPE: Num-num!
(moped whirring)
Hey, what are you doing here?
We had to close the store early. Barney had a toxic reaction
to all the green body paint he was wearing.
(screaming)
It's burning. My face is burning.
(screaming)
So I thought I'd drop off my moped
and go meet Jordan and Elijah at the Polka Dot.
What are you doing here?
You know, Hope got tired of trick or treating,
so I left her with my mom,
and then I came back to, uh, to scare some kids.
Seems like the type of thing a...
normal 25-year-old man would do.
No, it's fun. Watch.
(screams)
(groans)
Nice.
So you wanna come to the Polka Dot,
or do you wanna scare more kids?
(groans): Polka Dot.
(dance music playing)
Hey, nice costume, pal.
Not many people can pull off Hitler.
Hey. Uh, listen, buddy.
I... Virginia?
Sorry.
Am I ruining guys' night?
No, thank God it's you.
Good. 'Cause I missed you.
Besides I really wanted to see you dance.
Then I must be a cat stuck in a tree
and the fire truck is here,
'cause it is time for me to get down!
I can't believe how long we had to stand in that line.
I know. This place gets really crowded
when you're allowed to wear a mask.
Hey, wait. Is that your dad?
JIMMY: Yeah.
I've never seen him happier.
Okay, that's a little much.
Dad.
I think you might have had a little too much to...
Mom?
That's right. I'm here,
we're queer.
Get used to it.
Whoa. Wait a second.
If you guys are here,
then who's watching Hope?
Okay, I admit it: I made a mistake.
I'll just tell them I'm sorry.
No, Jimmy, you ruined Halloween for two gay men.
"Sorry" is not gonna cut it.
(shrill scream)
(woman screams)
Where's Hope?
Sleeping. Oh, so sweet.
- She didn't scream the whole time? - Oh, she screamed.
JORDAN: We had to find a way to stop her from screaming,
and believe me, we tried everything.
(crying)
Eventually, when we calmed down,
we realized we'd learned how to deal with this
from all the parenting books we'd read.
You read parenting books?
(laughing): Yeah.
Who'd have a child without doing the research?
Um, maybe someone who's prepared to make
a series of hopefully entertaining mistakes.
Well, anyway, because of her age,
and the behavior she was exhibiting,
we realized that what she wanted was her pacifier.
ELIJAH: And we knew we could settle her down by just getting one.
But then we thought:
That was just helping us.
So we decided to wean her off of it entirely.
We read that going cold turkey on the pacifier
- could be traumatizing for a child. - But...
what if we could find a num-num
that would gradually go away on its own?
Got it!
(Hope screaming)
(Hope stops screaming)
Yay!
Pop! Pop-pop-pop!
Patty-cake!
Right there. You know patty-cake?
JORDAN: And once we got past the whole num-num issue,
we were able to relax and have a great time
with your fantastic daughter.
(laughing) Ah!
Wow. That's amazing!
I've been trying to get her to kick the habit,
and it looks like you guys did it.
You guys are good at this.
You guys are gonna be such great dads.
Well... if we get a baby as great as Hope.
Uh, hint, hint.
You guys want to keep Hope?
No.
But we want one just like her.
We were talking about it,
and is there any way you'd consider being our donor
instead of Elijah's brother?
- What? - Wait.
If you're using my egg,
and Jimmy's sperm,
aren't we just
having a baby that we're giving to you?
No, that'd be too weird.
- Ugh. - And, um... to be honest,
you weren't Elijah's first choice anyway.
ELIJAH: Not that you aren't great.
(laughs)
It's just that Petra's so much better.
- Petra? - Our barista.
She's tall,
has gorgeous blonde hair...
A barista?
I'm losing out to a barista?
Aren't you a cashier at a grocery store?
Yeah.
But I do that ironically.
Wow.
I am honored that you guys would ask.
- Wha... - I'll do it!
- Really? - Yes.
We're having a baby!
(screaming)
Whoo!
(yelling excitedly)
How does this work with Petra?
Do I call her?
Do you call her? I mean...
You should come look at Hope while she's sleeping.
She looks just like a little angel.
Imagine something that cute
that could also work an espresso machine.
Okay, first of all, this Petra?
She's steaming milk, not splitting atoms.
Second of all...
Jimmy...
I thought we were going to talk about big decisions
before we went and just... made them.
You're right. You're right. That was a rash decision.
We totally should've done pros and cons.
Pros: they'll be great fathers.
Instead of a cousin, Hope will have a half-sister.
And you won't have any stretch marks.
Wow, I've actually got pros.
This is fun when you have pros.
Okay, what are the cons?
I got nothing.
Really?
I won an argument with words?
- It looks that way. - Cool.
Well, let's go and tell the guys the good news.
Um... no, you go ahead.
I... I don't feel so good.
(sighs)
Are you sick?
I don't know.
This whole thing just kind of makes my stomach hurt.
You know what?
I don't think I want to be the sperm donor.
- Really? - Yeah.
Look, I know how you feel.
Sometimes you can't explain or defend
why you feel a certain way about something,
but that doesn't mean you're not right.
If this makes you feel weird,
that's enough for me.
You win.
Thank you.
God, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
I mean, I really should have done the same thing
when you said your stomach hurt.
It's okay.
At least we got a good story out of it.
And the only person I want to donate sperm to
is you.
That didn't sound as romantic out loud as it did in my head.
Mm-mm.
I guess we should probably go tell Jordan and Elijah.
I can't believe I have to deny people my sperm.
I mean, there was a time I couldn't give this stuff away.
♪
(coughs lightly)
(sneezes)
This is starting to get weird, isn't it?
Yeah.
- Yeah, it's getting weird. - Let's get out of here.
All right, but walk slow.
The cucumber in my pants is starting to slip.
== sync, corrected by Martzy == www.Addic7ed.Com